I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I will be naked everywhere
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
