the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
