my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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