Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
