After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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