if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
