Drunk walkin through police station. America
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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