I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
