so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
