You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
