he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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