twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
