Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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