Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
