It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We need to feng shui this bitch.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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