piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
