Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
