I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
