Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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