part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize