Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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