you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I need to align my fucking chakras
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
