so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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