my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
