i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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