I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She told me I should be a condom model.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize