dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
