I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
