You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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