right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just gargled with NyQuil
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
