I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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