dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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