i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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