Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
