i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
