Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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