he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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