I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
