I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
