Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
