Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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