yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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