batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
