Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
