Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
