I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
my liver is dry heaving
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
