I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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