I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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