Plan B is the new Plan A
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
