just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
