I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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