My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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