I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
