before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
