I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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