I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
