I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize